In the city of dreams, it is no surprise that the police force performs miracles. In its latest feat, the Mumbai police has, wonder of wonders, brought the dead back to life. Poor old Orkut, that prehistoric relic from a more innocent internet age, found itself being dragged into the controversy over Tanmay Bhat’s Snapchat video.

In an interview to The Times of India, a Mumbai police spokesperson said that the authorities have written to Google and Youtube administrators to block the video “on their social Orkut.” This would be a slightly difficult proposition, considering that Orkut is now the social media equivalent of dinosaurs, having become extinct in September 2014.

Considering the Mumbai police’s newfound affinity for time travel, here is what our cops spend their day doing, in an alternative universe:

Image: APImage: AP

Image: AP

Monitoring telegrams: Ever alert, the Mumbai police have a very advanced surveillance system and they actively monitor telegram communications. You never know what malicious plans people might be hatching to overthrow the Empire…no wait…the government. Or worse, they may be hatching plans to eat beef. Gasp!


Image: AFP

Research in new sword technologies: When terrorists are upgrading their weapon stockpiles, the protectors of the law must keep pace. A committee has been constituted comprising of prominent noblemen, astrologers and retired priests to examine the issue. Sources have told FP Special Forces that the terms of reference for the committee include deciding whether weapons from Shivaji’s era have in fact become obsolete.

Image courtesy: Twitter/@mumbaiheritageImage courtesy: Twitter/@mumbaiheritage

Image courtesy: Twitter/@mumbaiheritage

Tackling crimes on trams: Modern means of travel come with modern policing challenges. The cops have successfully figured out that trams are in fact not terrifying demons taking sinners to their chosen hellholes, but are actually modes of transport. Who would have thought? The exigencies of the age demand a close eye on what people are up to in those things. At present, the police are following up on intelligence inputs saying that unmarried men and women even hold hands in these newfangled carts.

Image: ReutersImage: Reuters

Image: Reuters

Gramophones: In their spare time, the cops unwind by listening to music on a mysterious gadget called a gramophone. The police are enchanted with the discovery that voices can be stored inside a machine and be heard later. Last heard, a widespread agitation was launched over the choice of music to be played. “We won’t tolerate all this anti-national Mozart and Beethovan nonsense. Only KL Saigal and VD Paluskar are allowed.”

Meanwhile, at a prominent traffic junction in the city, a bullock cart owner is stopped by the police for wrongly parking his bullock cart. “Don’t you know who I am? I know the Viceroy’s son-in-law,” he is heard arguing. A few metres away, a constable whispers to his colleague, “Some things never change.”

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In an alternate universe where Orkut’s the new Facebook, a day in the life of Mumbai police