No, no, Sri, Sri is not god, god.
In the Indian belief system, it takes 1,008 Sris to attain divinity. And since Ravishankar has only doubled his Sris so far, he has a long way to go.
Double Sri, I presume, knows this. So he is competing with lesser mortals like Malala Yousafzai. Good for him. Malala has still not started insisting on an extra Mohtarma before her name, so Ravishankar has a decent start over the teenager in the battle of titles.
The only problem is the Nobel Peace Prize the teenager already has in her kitty.
But, on Monday, Sri Square brushed that achievement aside like a trinket won at a kindergarten sack race to re-establish his lead. That girl did nothing to deserve it and is, thus, an unworthy achiever, he argued.
No, I don’t think this has anything to do with the Art of Envying. Also, nobody saw him eating sour grapes, considering the fact that he was in drought-stricken Latur, where such succulent fruits are more precious than a Nobel.
In the universe that Ravishankar lords over, not breathing deep enough pretty much amounts to doing nothing. Since Malala would not have taken enough deep breaths while on the ventilator after taking a bullet in the neck from the Taliban, Double Sri is perfectly entitled to hold her in contempt.
In fact, even before she defied death and breath, Sri may have found Malala unworthy for holding her breath while going to school in spite of fighting a fatwa from the Taliban against schooling for girls.
Such is our life and it’s an interesting time when someone who teaches us our natural instincts — deep breathing for instance — considers himself worthy of a Nobel. In a parallel universe, even Vātsyāyana could have done so for teaching us the 56 ways of performing Sudarshan Sex.
A friend recently shared his formula for happiness on Facebook.
Drink single malts and dance, he said, looking a good 10 years younger than he actually is. At 40, his tresses are not as black and long as Double Sri’s at 59. But he too appears to be completely at peace with himself. If Nitish Kumar doesn’t become the Prime Minister of India, I foresee this proponent of drunken dancing — as against Sri’s formula of breathing and dancing — as a perfectly legitimate guru of happiness in a few years.
The point is, when you can ensure people are completely at peace with themselves by teaching them to breathe, fornicate, drink, dance — essentially the things that make us humans happy — those like Malala who get the Nobel for resisting terrorists and getting a bullet in return are simply wasting their time.
Ravishankar has proved this many times. A few years ago, Double Sri made a surprise visit to meet the violent Gujjars demanding reservation in Rajasthan. He taught them to breathe, dance and left the same evening.
Unfortunately the Gujjars didn’t. They continued to block roads, highways and railway tracks till Chief minister Vasundhara Raje gave them more than a few extra breaths: The promise of reservation and the luxury of home-cooked food to their leader Kirori Singh at her official residence.
A few years later, they returned on the tracks. But Sri Sri didn’t.
Similarly, Guruji is believed to have offered to calm the agitated minds of Islamic State fighters in Iraq and Syria. Ravishankar claims he had sent a missive to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and his fighters for peace through dialogue. Unfortunately, the IS sent him a photo of a decapitated head that vaguely resembled his own in return.
“I tried to initiate peace talks with the (IS) recently but they sent me a photograph of a beheaded body of a man. Thus, my effort for a peace dialogue with the IS ended,” he said.
In many ways, Ravishankar can do with a Nobel, if not for the honour, at least for the money. Last heard, his organisation was still to pay the fine imposed by the National Green Tribunal for meddling with the ecology around the Yamuna.
But, Sri Sri has vowed to never accept the Nobel. It is political, he told farmers at Latur while quenching their thirst with deep breaths and yogic postures.
He may not yet be Sri Sri 1,008 god incarnate.
But you can certainly not accuse Padma Vibhushan Ravishankar of hypocrisy.